Joke for the day

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crazyhorse
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Re: Joke for the day

Post by crazyhorse »

A little 5 year old girl came home from her first day at school, climbs up in her father's lap.

Her dad says " how was your day at school?

She says I'm not going back to school any more.

Her dad says," why not" ?

She said, " I don't know how to read or write and they won't let me talk". :D
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Re: Joke for the day

Post by crazyhorse »

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub,
and each order a pint of Guinness.

Just as the bartender hands them over,
three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted,
pushes his pint away and demands another.

The Scotsman picks out the fly,
shrugs and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches into the glass,
pinches the fly between his fingers, shakes him and yells,


"Spit it out, Spit it out!" :D :D
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Re: Joke for the day

Post by crazyhorse »

There were two evil brothers.
They were rich, and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye.
They even attended the same church, and appeared to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired.
Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers' deception,
but he also spoke well and true, and the church membership grew in numbers.
A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.
The remaining brother sought out the new pastor
the day before the funeral and handed him a check
for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said.
"At the funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.
" The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back.
"He was an evil man," he said.
"He cheated on his wife and abused his family."
After going on like this, he finally concluded,
"But, compared to his brother,


he was a SAINT." :D
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Re: Joke for the day

Post by crazyhorse »

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around.
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you".
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you".
He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."
He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name

their German Shepherd Jesus". :D
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Re: Joke for the day

Post by crazyhorse »

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.
Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.
It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing.
"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back inside the synagogue.
He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw,
ran to the back of the car
and cut off the last two inches of the -------- tailpipe. :D :D :D :D
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sargentrs
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Re: Joke for the day

Post by sargentrs »

:lol: :lol: :thup:
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Re: Joke for the day

Post by crazyhorse »

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Deputy.
He is sure that he is smarter than the Deputy because he has a law degree and has won many court cases.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense.

The Deputy walks up to the car and asks for his license.
The Lawyer asks what he is being stopped for before handing it over, knowing what he had done.
The Deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the sign.
License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and made sure nothing was coming, what’s the difference?”
Deputy says, “The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law.”

Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between stopping and slowing down, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, but if you cant, you let me go with no ticket.”

Deputy says, “Ok, fine with me, please exit your vehicle, sir.”

The lawyer gets out of his car, at which point the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving snot out of the lawyer and says “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?” :fr: :fr:
:fr: :fr: :fr: :fr: :fr: :fr: :fr: :fr: :fr: :fr: :fr: :fr: :fr: :fr: :fr:
crazyhorse
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Re: Joke for the day

Post by crazyhorse »

I thought this might go good with the warm weather coming . :thup:

http://biggeekdad.com/2010/04/red-green-end-table/
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Re: Joke for the day

Post by crazyhorse »

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.
In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico,
which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York .
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico .
As we know, the great ship did not make it to New York .
The ship hit an iceberg and sank.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise,
and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.
Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known,
of course, as -


Sinko De Mayo..
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Re: Joke for the day

Post by crazyhorse »

Last year, I replaced all the windows in
my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient
kind.

Today, I got a call from
the contractor who installed them.
He complained that the work had been
completed a year ago, and I still hadn't paid for them.


Hellloooo,............just because I'm a
blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast-talking
sales guy told me last year...
….that these windows would pay for
themselves in a year.

Helllooooo? It's
been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of
the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot. :D
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Re: Joke for the day

Post by crazyhorse »

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand,
clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.


Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife... who will it be?"


They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.


"Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name.
Leave it to me."


Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."


"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.


"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.
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sargentrs
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Re: Joke for the day

Post by sargentrs »

:lol: Quick thinking! :lol:
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Re: Joke for the day

Post by crazyhorse »

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet.

Please advise." :D
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Re: Joke for the day

Post by crazyhorse »

There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married.
The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be newlywed in her 90s.

"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much different than the others" She replied with a smile.

"Oh? How many husbands have you had?"
The interviewer inquired.
"This one will be my fourth." She replied.
"I was married in my 20s to a banker,
then my 40s to a circus performer.
After that I married a preacher"

"What does your current husband do?"
"Oh he's a funeral director."
The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.
"It always made sense to me."
She replied "I married one for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."
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Re: Joke for the day

Post by chad67 »

Due to the changes in Obama care, if you need an X-ray, you can go to the airport to be scanned. For a Colonoscopy, just mention al Qaeda!
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